My mental health journey

 Before we begin I want to share that this is not an easy blog to write. In fact I've written this blog two other times and stopped it from being published as I wasn't ready to share my journey. If I'm being honest the only reason I now feel able to share this story is because I'm in a better place with my mental health. I also want to share that until 2024 I never struggled with my mental health, I've experienced loss before and broken relationships and even in those seasons I didn't struggle with my mental health. The reason I want to share that is because when 2024 hit it brought new emotions that I didn't know how to handle, and that's why it's taken a year to see some sort of a recovery. Anyway, let's stop procrastinating and start sharing the journey!

In December 2023 I was diagnosed with my heart condition and for the first two months I was living in fear, I wouldn't say I was depressed, I was fearful. It wasn't until late January 2024 that I discovered my heart condition could be easily treated and that it wouldn't be life threatening, that definitely removed a lot of the fear I had been facing. In February 2024 I decided that I wanted my life to return to normal, I had spent two months in fear, not working, not seeing friends, not exercising and I wanted my old life back! I returned to work, I started to fill my calendar again, my husband and I started going to the gym and at first it felt like I had some normality. However that's when it hit me, that life hadn't returned to normal and there wasn't a way it could return to normal, or what I thought normal looked like.

I was starting to take time off work as I felt physically and emotionally drained, this lead to me cancelling plans with friends and it all felt too much, and as much as I tried I couldn't do what I used to do in the gym. It hit me hard that I was living a life I didn't want and that's when the depression started to creep in. I was no longer the energetic strong woman, I was surrounded by friends getting pregnant which reminded me every day that my body wasn't strong enough to handle that. It may sound like I'm being a bit dramatic, but that is how I felt and it was excruciating at times. Those of you who know me well will know I love to achieve every day, I love to push myself physically, I love to be around people and I enjoy making people laugh and being silly at times. It honestly felt like my identity was taken from me and I believe that's when the depression entered my life.

I tried to ignore it, I had seen what depression could do and I wanted to run as fast as I could to escape it. One day I was on the phone with my sister and for the first time I verbally said out loud 'I think I'm depressed', that was proceeded by tears and my sister reassuring me that it was okay. I then shared this with my husband, I know it seems weird that I told my sister first, but she was distant, her life wasn't my life. I was scared to tell my husband as I knew it would change his life just as much as it was changing mine, but I had no reason to be scared. I was met with grace, love, support and complete understanding. However I was also met with a challenge, he wanted me to seek help and to make active changes in my life.

After many months of battling these struggles alone I started to share with loved ones and also seek counselling. One of the greatest things counselling has done is made me feel like I'm not a loser and that I'm not the only one going through this. Depression can be such an isolating place, and if you're reading this and you are experiencing depression I'd encourage you to seek help, please don't keep it to yourself. 

I want to end this blog by sharing one big thing depression has opened my eyes to. I thought if I tried my hardest to be happy then depression would never find me. I thought if I had a tough enough skin that it wouldn't be able to break through. What I didn't realise is that when life hits you hard, like it did for me with that health diagnosis, all your best intentions to be strong and withstand depression just crumble. I didn't realise how much I needed God to be my protector, rather than trying to be my own protector. Life will hit us all hard at times and we need to be prepared when it does, and putting up these fake breakable walls isn't going to be enough to withstand the pain. 

I have entered into 2025 slightly broken and bruised, a softer version of myself and someone who can empathise with the words 'mental health'. I have realised that in order to find myself again I need to seek God, I need to seek loved ones and realise that who I am isn't set in stone, my "normal" can change and it will change. Don't let the waves of life beat you down, maybe let's try riding them instead? Learning to navigate the challenges with the support of God and the people we love and trust. I'm thankful to say that in this current moment I am not experiencing depression. I believe the depression was created from months of forcing myself to be someone I couldn't be, it's when I accepted life as it was. then I noticed the depression slowly disappear. This doesn't mean I am 100% either, some days are hard, but there's more good days than there are bad days and for me, I see that as a blessing and a change in the right direction.

Next Blog: Life Update - House, Walking Business, Health etc