How is our marriage different today?

 Andy and I celebrated our two year wedding anniversary the other day and it got me thinking about the differences between year one and year two of marriage. I want to share with you some of the changes I've seen in our marriage and how it's helping to grow our marriage in the right direction. Our marriage is not perfect, but then again no one's is. However as life progresses it changes you, whether you're married or not. The question I often ask myself, is it changing me for the better? 

#1 - More patience and understanding

In our first year of marriage we were navigating what it meant to be married, it was an adjustment stage. However when we entered into year two of marriage I noticed a greater patience and understanding of each others needs. To give you two examples, I learnt that Andy wanting to work hard and focus on his career didn't mean he was putting me second, it actually meant he was wanting to serve and provide for our family. I was able to understand his drive and passion for having a successful career. Andy learnt that when I go to him with a problem it doesn't always mean I want advice or guidance on what to do next. He learnt that I'm an external processor and that I need to express my emotions in order to know what decision to make. We certainly are still working on patience and understanding, but it has definitely grown since year one of marriage. Whether it's a romantic relationship or a friendship I have seen the more you experience each other's company and learn more about how one another work it helps build patience and understanding. The question I'm challenged to ask myself is 'am I spending enough time learning about my husband and how he works, so that I can be the patient and understanding wife he needs?'. It's about removing the attention from yourself and placing it on the other person in your life. I think we could all improve in this area, especially in the self-centered world we live in today.

#2 - Improvement on making decisions together

In our first year of marriage we had some big decisions to make, such as buying our first car, having repairs done to our house and discussions on how we saved/spent our money. In our first year of marriage I wouldn't say we clashed on our opinions, but we definitely could have been better at listening to one another. Thankfully Andy and I have many of the same views and values so it wasn't too extreme, but there were moments where it felt hard to make a decision together, especially if it really meant something to one, but not the other. In our second year of marriage we were dealing with my health diagnosis and I believe that really helped us make decisions together as a couple. We developed an understanding of how we wanted to manage our money as a couple, we made career decisions together and we discussed my health together. In year two it felt like life got very real, very quickly and that required us working together as a team. I like to hope if we never faced my illness that we'd have naturally improved on making decisions together, however I have seen a pattern in other marriages that show that when life gets real and hard times come, you either draw close or you go separate ways and it causes divide in your marriage. I have been challenged over the last year to make sure I'm listening to my husbands ideas and pause and pray, rather than speaking my own ideas without any reflection. 

#3 - We created vision for our future

When you first get married you're often in the bliss of being newlyweds and your adjusting to life as a married couple, so planning your future vision for your family isn't the first thing that comes to mind. As we settled into marriage we started to talk about what we wanted our future with children to look like, and even how our future would look like if we couldn't have children. We wanted to make sure that we weren't just living each day without intention of heading somewhere. In last weeks blog I shared some of the things we're doing to prepare for our future family, a lot of those decisions were made after coming up with a vision for our future family in our second year of marriage. Andy and I love going on walks together and that is where we have these deep conversations. Personally for us our future vision has been shaped by our upbringings, by our values and beliefs and how we want not only our children, but ourselves and people around us to blossom. It's been really helpful creating a vision as it helps us navigate day to day decisions and I know for me it helps give me a purpose and helps me to know where I'm heading. I'd like to add that our vision keeps growing as life happens, your vision doesn't have to be set in stone.

#4 - We developed independence and individual interests

It's so easy to be in each other's pockets when you are first married. I remember in our first year of marriage I secretly longed for Andy to get into the music I liked and for that to be something we had in common. I learnt over time that my music taste is so different to his and that we will probably never have that as a shared interest. We did learn what hobbies/interests we shared and continue to develop those areas, such as starting a walking business together as we both love walking. I write this blog, I'm a musician, I enjoy meeting up with friends on a regular basis, whereas Andy loves running, his taste in films is a bit different to mine, our version of "good food" is different. It's when you embrace your differences that life gets more interesting. One wonderful thing marriage has taught me, is even when you have differences you learn to appreciate them, as it makes your person unique and it gives you something to talk about. The same can be said in friendship, often it's your similarities which draws you together, but as you grow older and experience new things you get to share them with your friend. I personally think it's what makes life interesting and exciting.

My reason for writing this blog is to highlight the importance of change in any relationship. A parent/child relationship changes when you both become adults, a sibling relationship changes when you start walking different paths, a friendship changes when you both start experiencing changes in your individual life's. We were created for community, but the way we love each other and treat each other has to change as life changes. If I expect my marriage to look like year one when we're ten years in with children is only going to set my marriage up for failure. Lets be people who ask for God's direction on how to navigate these changes, so that we see fruit in our life.

Next Blog: My mental health journey