Real Talk: Singleness in the church

This is a topic of conversation I am very passionate about, I spent the majority of my 20's single and I currently have a number of close friends who are single. As you read this blog you may not agree with everything I say, but I think it's a topic that goes unnoticed and I think we should be talking about it more.

I want to share some of the things I have experienced or witnessed and share my personal perspective in the hopes it will stir you to think about your view on this topic.

1. As the majority of people in the church are married it can make single people feel inferior or like they've done something wrong

I want to make it clear that I think marriage is a wonderful thing and I'm not saying as a married person myself that we purposely try to make single people feel inferior, but without meaning to it can come across. I found myself recently giving advice to a group of single women about how to approach dating as if I knew the answer, as if I had some unique skill they didn't possess. Honestly, I got lucky meeting Andy and marrying him, I didn't change who I was to attract him. So firstly to those of you who are married, be sensitive how you approach conversations with your single friends, don't make it appear like you have all the answers and that's why you're the one who is married. Secondly to those of you who are single, you are not inferior because you are single, you are loved and are a beautiful person despite your relationship status.

2. In the church we can often make marriage an idol, and if we don't gain it our life is incomplete

I think marriage is a beautiful thing created by God, but I don't think it's what completes us. There are numerous people in history who have changed our world for the better and they remained single, marriage does not equal a successful life. I do understand that marriage does bring unity and it brings us a companion, so I do understand that singleness can be very lonely. However I believe that is a fault in our society today, our families are becoming so isolated that we struggle to open our homes to people, we struggle to let anyone in close that isn't a family member. As the church (the body of believers) we need to make sure that every person is loved and in community, despite their relationship status. I believe it's this unity which will help make our lives feel complete and fulfilled. 

3. When we get married it becomes easy to turn our attention away from our single friends

I bet we could all raise a hand if I asked the question 'when your close friend started dating that guy or girl their communication with you reduced?'. One thing I do want to say here is that when you marry I think it is right that the way you live your life changes. I think it would be a strange marriage if you were out seeing your separate friends every night of the week. Although this doesn't mean you stop seeing them entirely, maybe rather than several times a week (like when you were single) it becomes once a week when you get married. It is also easy when you get married to gravitate towards married couples, this isn't wrong, they are people in similar situations to you and we tend to build friendships when we have things in common. However this shouldn't mean that we close our door to our single friends.

4. Be mindful of the struggles our single friends might be facing

My husband one time challenged someone we know when they were talking about being physically affectionate in public with their partner. My husband pointed out that their single friends may find it hard seeing you engaged in romance when they most likely are struggling with being single. When Andy and I are in public with our friends and family we aren't that affectionate, some people may think that is strange, but what people probably don't know is that we do that by choice. We have both been single when our friends have been in relationships and we both know how challenging it can be. No single person wants to be friends with a couple who are all over one another, it reminds them of their singleness. So please if you are married please be mindful of how you show affection in public. 

I hope this blog has been helpful, it is a topic I care about deeply. Real Talk blogs are all about sharing something truthful that we often don't talk about. I also want to caveat that the church itself and the Christian faith does not reject singleness, but as the Bible talks quite boldly on the importance of marriage (rather than just dating) I think we've naturally progressed into a place of marriage being the norm in the church and singleness being a season of waiting. To some singleness is a season of waiting before marriage, to some people it will be their forever here on earth, so we need to be respectful and build community with our single friends.

Next Blog: How to find your purpose