Singleness: tips on dating and how to find someone

Before I start this blog I want to make it clear that you could follow every tip I give you and you might not find someone, however I do believe the tips I'm going to share will give you some encouragement, and will also help you grow in your character. Who knows, maybe over time you will find someone, and if that is something you desire I hope and pray God blesses you in that area of your life. However I think it's important to say that a relationship does not complete you, and that many people live fruitful and blessed lives remaining single. But I do understand it is something many, if not most people desire, which is why I am writing this blog. 

I was single from age 20 until I started dating my husband when I was 27, I did have odd dates and short relationships in those 7 years, but if I'm honest it did feel like I was hitting my head against a brick wall, as no one I went out with brought me joy and fun. Because God had put marriage on my heart, in a way it made it 10x harder, as I was desiring something I was confident I would one day have, but the answer I asked myself was 'when?!'. Sadly at times for us, God isn't in the habit of telling us our entire future in great detail, but what he does give us is comfort and wisdom in how to handle those single years.

I want to start with some tips on how to date in a healthy way:

1. Don't settle just because you're lonely

Settling can look different for everyone, personally for me this meant pursuing a non Christian and dating a guy who wasn't passionate about life and pursuing adventure. I dated non Christians, I dated boring men and I can tell you it was not worth it, I wasted time on men who I knew would never make me happy, and most importantly never help me reach my full potential for the Kingdom. Maybe ask yourself what settling would look like for you, so you know what to avoid.

2. Date with marriage in mind

Dating shouldn't be forever, it should be with purpose of discerning is this person someone I could marry one day. Dating with marriage in mind will also help create healthy habits that will come in use when you do get married. It is also a great way of highlighting if the person you're dating is right for you, because if you can't see yourself marrying the person, you probably shouldn't be dating them.

3. Protect yourself, don't give someone a part of you that you can't get back

I want all women reading this to understand that if you are dating or in a relationship with a man you are not married to, then he has no authority to lead you, to be intimate with you or emotionally take from you. You need to protect the treasures God has placed inside of you, that are only meant for marriage. I didn't protect myself for many years and it is one of my deepest regrets, but remember God forgives and he heals, so turn to him if you need that forgiveness and healing.

4. Appearance is important, but not the most important

I find it so frustrating when I ask someone what they are looking for in a man or a woman and they come back with a list of physical attributes. Don't get me wrong if you are going to one day marry that person and have an intimate relationship with them, it helps if you find the person attractive, but attractiveness grows the more you love someone for their heart. The same is true about their interests, you don't need to have everything in common to have a happy marriage. I think it's quite a teenage way of dating to only ask yourself 'do I find them attractive, and do we have loads in common?', as overtime both looks and interests will change. You want to pursue someone for their heart, as you hope that overtime those deep characteristics that make them who they are won't change, but instead blossom.

I now want to move on and give you some practical tips on how to find someone, and I do hope these tips are helpful. You probably have heard these tips before, if I'm honest there's no new way to pursue or date someone, but in my personal opinion it's about having the confidence to step out.

1. Serve at church - if you want to meet someone with the same faith and the same servant heart, then putting yourself on rota's at church is a good place to start

2. Get involved in church activities - this could be a student and 20's group, or a home group or maybe your church has other ministries like food bank that you could get involved with. Similar to point 1, these are good places to meet fellow Christians

3. Try online dating - this doesn't work for everyone, however I know many people who have met their spouse on Christian dating websites. Andy and I actually waved at each other on Christian Connection

4. Ask your married friends for help - sadly most of Andy's close Christian friends don't live in our area, but if they did I'd be setting them up with my single friends. This can be a great way to meet someone, as your friends know you both and know if you'd be a good match

5. Host events - why not try hosting a party and inviting your Christian friends, and encouraging them to bring their friends. Even if you don't meet someone you could date, you could at least meet a new friend

6. Go to Christian conferences - there are conferences for single Christians plus other conferences such as Big Church Day Out. Why not put yourself down to volunteer at a conference, it would be a great way of pushing yourself out of your comfort zone and you'll likely have a great time

7. Know you're worth and have confidence in yourself - I messaged Andy and asked if he wanted to meet up for a coffee, if I hadn't made that first step we probably wouldn't be married. I know it can be hard, but when you ask someone out you need to do it with confidence knowing you are worth their time and that you have value to give. I experienced rejection and it did deflate me, but I got up again and gave it another try, and I'm glad I did

I hope this blog has been helpful, I know it can suck to be single, but God has you in the season for a reason. I would encourage you to keep praying for guidance and asking God how you can use this precious season of your life. 

Next Blog: Wife Talk: Serving your husband